Leadership

Be the Calm in the Storm

March 31, 2020 By Lisa Alessi

Without question these are unprecedented times that call on us to dig deeper into our resiliency reserves. Our abilities to handle dynamically changing environments and stress are being put to the test. Experience has shown us that the more present we can be in times of great change, the less we distort what’s going in our current reality and can maintain calm.

As leaders, people look to us to set the tone. While we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t get stressed, we do need to be cognizant of how we show up and model a sense of calm. The best way to do this is by learning to work through our own reactivity and develop resiliency practices that will sustain us so we can be the sense of calm for ourselves and those around us.

In times of change, we need different practices on board to fortify and sustain us through crisis. Focusing on the following 4 resiliency areas have proven to reduce stress, strengthen resilience and manage your energy so you can be more effective.

Resiliency Area #1: Calm Your Nervous System (body)

With increased stress, we go into survival mode and our bodies engage the fight, flight or freeze reflex. Cortisol floods our systems, increasing our heart rates. We start to breath more rapidly and tense up. To counteract this cascade of events, we need to give our bodies time to clear the bloodstream of stress hormones by slowing everything way down, getting present and giving ourselves time to decompress.

Slow your breathing – it sends a message to your brain that you are not in fight or flight.

Try belly breathing – breath in for 7 seconds and out for 11
Military breathing technique – breath in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, repeat

Get into your body with these simple grounding practices

Do a body scan — start by feeling into your toes, wiggle them, feeling your back and butt on the chair, feet on the ground, release and relax any tension you have in your shoulders, neck jaw, soften your gaze
Stretch for 5 minutes, go for a walk in nature
Meditate – try apps like Headspace, Calm, 10% Happier
To release jittery energy — do an intense workout, bounce on a yoga ball for 5 min

Slow your pace – literally, slow everything way down. When stressed, it’s natural to want to speed up, take action or push through and that’s when we tend to make mistakes. Take this as a cue to slow down and stop multi-tasking.

Do one thing at a time especially when you become increasingly distracted and losing focus
Take a break, get perspective
Move slowly

Resiliency Area #2: Tame Your Mind

When faced with uncertainty, most of us want to come up with a plan to create a sense of safety. With this virus though, information is changing so rapidly, we’re often unclear about what’s going on, let alone the best way to handle each challenge. As a result, we start contingency planning and list building for things that haven’t happened, as a way of “controlling” the situation.

When you find yourself distracted or your anxiety levels going through the roof, try to focus on what’s needed in the next hour. If that’s too much, try minute by minute. While we cannot control the circumstances surrounding this virus, we can manage how we respond to it.

Redirect Your Thinking to the Present

Visualization — Try visualizing something that will stop the swirling in your mind. Imagine a stop sign and redirect your focus to a tranquil scene like a babbling brook, cascading ocean waves
Self-coach — Ask yourself, am I ok right now, in this moment, get present
Limit your screen time – be cognizant of the information you’re taking in and how it affects you
Focus on what’s in your sphere of control – Instead of focusing on everything that’s outside your control, refocus on things that you can do something about. This gives us personal agency.
Be mindful of your inner dialogue — redirect negative self-talk – I’m doing the best I can, I’ve trained my entire life for this moment

Resiliency Area #3: Stay connected (Heart)

When in survival mode for a sustained period of time, it’s easy to start cycling in and out of burnout. When you couple that with mounting stress and lack of sleep, you’re apt to feel a myriad of oscillating emotions – anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, overwhelmed or even denial. It’s natural to want to push these darker feelings away, pushing through them. Others cope by isolating, thinking it’s better to keep these feelings to themselves and later judge themselves for not being stronger, more resilient or courageous.

The key is to move through the intensity of emotion by creating a little space for them. Find ways to share what you’re feeling with people you trust and stay connected with others.

Process what you’re feeling with those who love and support you
Journal how you’re feeling
Stay Connected with loved ones – if you’re sequestered, Facetime, Videoconference, text, have a virtual dinner, exercise or watch a movie together
Participate in group discussions — share how you’re feeling; knowing you’re not alone helps
Self-Coach — Ask yourself, what do I want in this moment, let that inform next steps
Reach out for support – to your friends, colleagues, support system to tell people what you need
Keep your Routines or develop ones that support you – sleep, exercise, eating well
Practice self care — take a bath, listen to music, give your family a hug
Mark the transition from work to home — when you’re done with work, take some time to decompress, let go of your work stuff, get present at home
Release judgement of how you’re feeling – “I’m doing the best I can”

Resiliency Area #4: Be purposeful and intentional (Soul)

At times like this, I heed the sage words of Victor Frankl, a holocaust survivor and author of a Man’s Search for Meaning. He believed that our meaning in life was defined through significant contributions in our work; our relationships and most challenging experiences. It is purposefulness and connectedness that brings joy even in the midst of death, chaos, fear and loss.

With great challenge, we may not be able to control our circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them. Being intentional helps guide us through the dark patches and provides hope and inspiration for all of us for what’s on the other side.

Remember Your Why – keep front and center why your work is important to you
Be intentional –Ask yourself how do you want to move through each day/situation? Take a moment to pause and reflect on how you need to show up to achieve what you want
Add Levity — find ways to connect with others in meaningful ways and lift each other up
Humor is the ultimate connector – share a laugh, a joke, a funny message, it lessens the intensity so we can lighten up and not take ourselves so seriously
Show kindness and respect for others – everyone processes stress and change differently, we are all flailing in our own existential dilemma. It’s not personal, remember that!
Contribute — Try to focus on what you “can” do to contribute
Use your Strengths — Support others by doing what you do best
Practice gratitude – let people around you know how much you appreciate them in the moment
Be the calm in the storm – instead of spreading panic, doubt and worry. Spread calm, love, compassion and I guarantee the result will be more connecting and uplifting.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.”
~ Thomas Merton

5 Reasons to Find Your Why

November 30, 2014 By Lisa

Do you ever feel ungrounded in your work?

Studies indicate more than 80% of the US population are unhappy in their jobs. Many people go through the motions every day without a sense of higher purpose or direction. They struggle with defining their cause and pinpointing their inner motivations.

If you find yourself nodding in agreement, then chances are you haven’t identified your Why. Many people get a glimpse of their Why momentarily, only for it to disappear into the abyss as the changes and challenges of life take center stage.

Before I immersed myself into my coaching practice, I had a nagging feeling that something was missing in both my career and my life. I was accomplished, but never relished my achievements. I lacked deep satisfaction and was always on a quest for the next thing.

Finding my Why has done more for my personal and professional development than any other training, book, or coaching approach I’ve tried.

The people I work with tend to agree. The day after one client found her Why, she wrote, “This morning, I woke up feeling more whole and complete than I can ever remember.”

Who doesn’t want to feel like that?

Here are 5 more reasons it’s important to Find Your Why:

 1. It grounds you in who you are and who you are becoming.

Finding Your Why allows you to see the choices you’ve made throughout your life in a new light. You can see the big picture. You not only gain perspective on your strengths and weaknesses but also how they’ve played out and made you who you are today.

A client shared:

I had no idea how much this work would amp up my self-love. And talk about seeing everything through a light of love–it transformed some of my old stories like I never imagined possible. I feel like I have a whole new relationship with myself.

2. It gives you the power and authority to lead your life knowing what you stand for.

When you uncover your Why, your inner motivations will be revealed. This allows you to stand up for what you believe in from a position of strength, knowing exactly who you are and what you believe.

One client struggling with whether to take a huge promotion with increased leadership responsibility shared, “Finding my Why was an essential part of building the confidence I needed to take that leap and pursue the next steps in my career; I was amazed at how much easier everything came into play once I was clear.”

3. You become a more effective communicator and leader.

When you talk about your Why, people who share your beliefs will be drawn to you.

Like a politician that can’t drum up enough support for their cause—if you can’t communicate why you are doing what you’re doing, it’s hard for people to support you.

Contrast this with someone who inspires you to grow. They’ve likely shared their convictions with you and you believe in their cause.

4. It helps you build resiliency in times of change.

When you are deeply connected to who you are and understand why you do the things you do, you can take a step back in stressful conditions and gain perspective before acting.
By accepting and honoring your weaknesses and leading with your strengths, you radiate authenticity and are less likely to be drawn into battle with colleagues, friends, and family. Through awareness, you gain objectivity and reduce reactivity.

5. It gives you direction and clarity in decision-making.

When you know what is important to you and why, you have a solid foundation for making decisions. You are able to start each day doing what you love and what you want to do because the decisions you make –where you spend your time, energy and money, and the way you work—are all aligned with your Why and the conditions in which you thrive.

In short, your Why is what drives you, gives you energy and deeper satisfaction. It’s ultimately your reason for being that gives you direction and serves as a guiding light allowing you to be all you can be.

7 Ways the Enneagram Can Rock Your World

November 29, 2014 By Lisa

The Enneagram is the most powerful personal and professional development tool I have ever used to examine core motivations and understand why we do the things we do.

Having worked extensively with the Enneagram for the past few years and trained with Ginger Lapid-Bogda, a world leader in using the Enneagram in the workplace, I’m excited to share my passion with you.

Here are 7 ways the Enneagram can rock your world:

1. It accelerates your personal growth. 
Learning about the patterns of your type helps you see the big picture of who you are: the qualities that energize you and make you great as well as your blind spots and the subconscious triggers that hold you back.  By shining a spotlight on the patterns of behavior that lurk below the surface, you’re able to pinpoint the ones that are distracting you and focus on the patterns that lead to your success and voila – your potential for growth is limitless.

 2. It provides a strong foundation for strategic decision-making.
When you understand your type and your core motivations and intrinsic drivers to what you want, you can make better choices.

3. It helps you build stronger relationships. 
First and foremost, the Enneagram helps you improve the relationship you have with yourself but also with friends, family, colleagues, bosses, and clients.

Knowledge of the Enneagram helps you understand how others filter information differently than you, providing insight, objectivity, and compassion for those most important to you so you can draw out their strengths and cut them slack in areas that trigger them.

4. It improves your communication skills.
Knowing your type helps you understand the way you are perceived with laser-like precision. You gain insight into how you influence others. Working with this information helps you adjust your communication style to your audience and increase your circle of influence.

5. It helps you become a more effective leader. 
Effective leadership starts with understanding the big picture of who you are – leading with your strengths as well as being aware of how you get derailed so you can develop a more authentic leadership style.

The Enneagram also helps you understand the different needs of your people, to identify their strengths as well as the areas in which they need to develop, so you can empower them, stretch their performance, and help them grow.

6. It helps you handle change with finesse.
Life is full of change. With change can come anxiety and the emergence of our worst personality traits.

The Enneagram gives us insight into each type’s defense mechanisms so you can better anticipate the reactions of others and communicate approaches based on different needs.

7. It provides perspective. 
The most beautiful thing about the Enneagram is that you gain perspective into why you do things, so you can depersonalize situations and develop strategic approaches for the way you think and interact with people who think and act differently than you do, developing an appreciation for their perspectives.

Great Leadership Starts with One Step

November 28, 2014 By Lisa

Have you ever felt an incredible desire to change something at work or in your personal life but backed down because it just seemed too hard?

Some of my biggest regrets were times I retreated from taking on increasing levels of responsibility in leadership roles, usually turning them down because I didn’t feel like I had the skills, the backing, the time or the energy.

I guess that’s why the movie, “The Help” strikes a chord within me. Each time I’ve seen it, I feel more inspired and uplifted by the messages of courage and transformation.

Set in Jackson, Mississippi during the Civil Right’s Movement, the story revolves around a very strong and resilient group of women who fight the status quo of the domestic servitude, the culture they were born into.

The character that resonates with me the most is Abileen, a black maid who belongs to a long line of women who’ve raised dozens of children born to repressive white socialites. She teaches these children the values of appreciation, respect and unconditional love, virtues that are not reciprocated by the families she serves.

Abileen desperately wants to speak up against the manipulation, intimidation and abuse she and her community have endured, especially after her 24-year-old son dies as a result of negligence at the hands of her oppressors. But she hesitates. She pushes down her desire to take initiative for fear of repercussions.

Abileen is what I call a reluctant leader.

When Skeeter, an aspiring journalist and rebellious white socialite approaches her to tell her story, at first Abileen won’t even consider it. She fears speaking out against the people she and her family have been working for generations. She’s afraid of what they might do.

But most importantly, she’s afraid no one will be listen. She’s been treated as if she were invisible all her life.

When she does start writing and sharing her stories, she finds she has a voice and powerful lessons to share too. She starts talking with her community, women who have supported each other in hardship and celebration. She has conviction and inspires them. They want to join her too.

They want to expose the travesties they have endured at the hands of their oppressors — exposing them for who they are. They want to be heard.

Without even realizing, Abileen becomes the leader within her community by taking the first step to share her stories. She then empowers them by creating the vehicle to join forces and speak up for what they know is right.

Together, they create a movement that has power and energy to change not only the way they are treated but the way others around the country are treated too.

In this clip, Abileen is seen owning her voice as a writer and standing up to the lead antagonist in the movie and her manipulative tactics.

As Abileen’s preacher says, “Courage isn’t just about being brave. It’s about overcoming fear and daring to do what is right for your fellow man.”

This is how reluctant leaders change the world.

It starts with the willingness to stand up for what you believe and know is right for you, your people, your community, your followers.

How about you? What’s your first step?

The Courage to Be Creative

November 27, 2014 By Lisa

If you’d like an infusion of fun innovative energy and to create unabashedly, take 10 minutes to check out this series of videos, guaranteed to draw you in and make you smile.

The first video was created by Harvard University’s Baseball Team doing their rendition of Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen. Their parody spurred a movement among college baseball teams and other club sport across the country to create their own renditions.

The second video was created by Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and friends. The homemade feel and their willingness to make this song their own is refreshing. For a group of performers who are used to major productions and very aware of their public image, it’s freeing to see them let loose and have fun.

The last video, by the original artist, brings us back to a time of innocence and freedom. It showcases the vulnerability and intensity of emotion felt with high school crushes almost like the validation we so often look for when embarking on a new path or starting something new.

What I love about these parodies is the energy you feel watching these kids come together to creatively express themselves and make it their own. The videos are fun, upbeat, collaborative and automatically draw you in.

Think back now, can you say the same about the last project you initiated?

Their courage to be seen and willingness to drop the need to create a polished image and perfect their execution provides us with inspiration to:

Be more creative in our work
Overcome fears of taking risks
Experiment with new modalities
Collaborate with others in new ways
Lighten up and have some fun

Whether you are leading an initiative, embarking on a new career path, starting new work or invigorating an established project, I encourage you to think of these kids and employ some of their strategies.

I guarantee people will be drawn to your energy, readiness to stretch and put yourself out there.

Addendum: check out this one!

Lessons Learned from a Pointed Finger

November 26, 2014 By Lisa

Have you ever had someone point their finger at you with such vengeance and hostility that you immediately felt like recoiling?

This happened to me a few years ago at an executive roundtable – the lessons I learned were invaluable.

After focusing on launching my business, I decided I wanted to branch out and expand my local networking circles. Since I’m a connector, have a strong business background and love to brainstorm, joining a local mastermind seemed like a natural fit.

As part of most roundtables, a good chunk of time is spent with each person sharing a particular issue then benefiting from the wisdom of the crowd through their insights, resources, ideas and suggestions.

The dilemma I shared involved having fear about launching new program that would require a significant investment of time, money and resources without having fully established my business yet.

True to form as part of this exercise, the group set to task and spent a few minutes brainstorming on paper what they would recommend and then went around the table sharing their most valuable insights. The first person to report back to me was a woman who had been clearly agitated and confrontational from the beginning of the meeting.

She pointed her finger at me and said, “SHAME on you for making it about the numbers,” following it up by saying, “you should be ASHAMED.”

Hun? What? Immediately, the facilitator intervened and asked her to refrain from such accusations to which she threatened to leave.

I was taken back. It’s not at all what I was expecting and I was stunned by her intensity.

I hit a nerve in this woman and she pounced on me like a saber tooth tiger projected her fears of shame on me.

Had this happened a couple of years ago, I would have either immediately gotten defensive and said “screw you” OR more than likely absorbed her anger by retreating internally, only to question, what did I do to deserve this?

But having invested substantial time in developing deeper levels of self awareness and self management, I’ve learned to shift perspective on the fly, this time I chose to take a deep breath and check in.

“Do I feel SHAME for having fear about launching something big?”

Nope, not really. As a matter of fact, it took a lot of guts to honor what I was feeling and share a fear with a group I didn’t know. This was clearly her issue not mine.

Then I got curious. I wanted to know what she had to say. I listened. She had a decent point — don’t play small, shoot for your dreams, don’t wait to take risk. I get it, but her caustic delivery eroded any empowerment in that message.

Some might consider not reacting a sign of weakness – why wouldn’t I stand up for myself and fight back. However, I consider it to be a great sign of accomplishment. A huge part of being true to who you are is not taking on what doesn’t belong to you.

Consider for a moment a time you’ve been humming along, feeling just fine, then you had a conversation with someone that left you feeling awful, pissed off, or helpless. It’s a natural tendency to want to hurl back an insult or stew on the internalized negativity. But those are both forms of taking on the other people’s stuff.

What I did was refrain from immediate reaction, gain some mental distance from her insult and looked at what she said objectively. It takes practice and restraint not to react, but I promise you it’s well worth it. The secret to success is being clear on who I am and how I feel. Do I fear uncertainty? You betcha! But shame, no, that’s not mine.

After the meeting, a couple people approached me and said they didn’t think they could have handled that situation so gracefully and wouldn’t have known how to react. I was quick to point out (no pun intended), the advice she was giving me, is most likely the advice she needed to follow herself. I saw this woman’s outburst as a cry for help. It was so clear to me that she was struggling with her own stuff.

While my heart truly went out for her suffering, no one should ever be shamed, especially not for expressing fear and taking on other people’s dark cloud doesn’t help anyone.

A quick Google search reveals the opposite of shame is honor and respect and this is my greatest lesson. I have learned to honor the integrity of my emotions, energy and time and respecting myself by not reacting to other people’s stuff and to me, it doesn’t get anymore powerful than that.

So I encourage you, the next time you find yourself on the receiving end of someone’s accusation, anger, frustration or shame — before you react, take a deep breath and ask yourself, is this my issue and respect what you hear? Is there anything to be gleaned from what is being said? Then take what’s helpful and relevant and leave the rest behind.

And remember when someone points a finger at you, there are 3 fingers pointing back.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

November 20, 2014 By Lisa

A tribute to my mom, an inspiring woman with a remarkable passion and zest for living.

I think Shakespeare had it right.

When we lose someone we love, there’s such a sweetness to be gleaned from reflecting on who they were and what they instilled in each of us along the way.

My mom was an incredible woman with an equally incredible spirit that could light up a room with her warmth and joie de vivre. She was bold and self-assured, had a twinkle in her eye and a fire in her belly. When she set her mind on something, she was a force to be reckoned with. She approached life on her terms. She was not afraid to take charge and go after what she wanted with determination and vigor.

She had her share of hardships, but she never lost sight of her ability to choose. She always knew in the end, she was the one who got to choose — how she would react, how she would feel and how she would choose to move forward. In times of struggle, instead of becoming a victim, she used her resolve to propel herself forward.

As her health began to decline, when her medical and physical challenges seemed insurmountable, she would bounce back with resilience that was so typical of her personality. Everyone around her learned to embrace these extra moments as a special gift to relish in her wit and mastery of putting people at ease.

As I was visiting towards the end, she was sitting in a chair with her eyes closed, struggling with each breath. We were all on edge and feeling helpless. One of her aids walked over and asked “Mrs. Vene are you ok?” She opened her crystal blue eyes and said, “Oh, I just love all the attention.” Even as she struggled to take her last breaths, she found the strength to say something to make other people smile, to put them at ease and make them feel like they were making a difference.

She was also an amazing nurturer and caretaker. She fiercely protected the people she loved and was not afraid to take a stand for what she felt was right. You knew where you stood with her and people gravitated to her inner strength and authenticity. She was the real deal. What you saw was what you got. She was a lover of life and appreciated the people around her. She had the uncanny ability to see through to your core.

If you were lucky enough to be taken under her wing, she’d find out what was most important to you, then gently nudge you by holding you to your desire, innocently asking questions like what’s going on and how are things progressing to keep you on course.

Over the years, several people have told me, “Your mom is amazing. She has a unique way of making everyone feel special.”

She was a romantic and an optimist. She would often ask me, “are you doing what you love Lisa?” Or with the grandkids, “Are you dating anyone? Are you happy?” She would then revel in the details of any new venture, romance or the sheer power of our independence.

She was passionate about figure skating, dancing, musicals and not so surprising — reality TV — with the Bachelor, Celebrity Rehab and Dancing with the Stars being her most recent favorites.

She loved to eat and had been known to skip her main meal for dessert. Her favorites were chocolate covered peanuts, spaghetti with meat sauce, garden fresh tomatoes, corn on the cob, pomme frittes and a nicely charred piece of steak with a slice of apple pie.

She was a cool hip grandma. She loved to read. She kept young and free spirited always on top of the latest news on celebrity romances, coolest toys and gadgets, newest movies and tv shows. She loved to be informed. She loved culture and travel and was always planning her next trip. She loved experiencing new places and adventures and the finer things in life. She loved to flirt and had a special twinkle for the men in her life. She had charm and grace and didn’t hold back in her adoration.

To say the least, she was a woman of passion and character.

But the biggest gift she shared, aside from giving me life, was a lesson I’m still learning — the art of letting go.

Throughout her life, she possessed the natural ability to detach — to let go — knowing everything would work out just fine. I never fully appreciated this raw talent until now. As a matter of fact, it used to drive me crazy. How could she pursue something she wanted with such gusto, then just back off for no apparent reason. She just changed her mind. It puzzled me to no end. She was amazingly gifted at releasing all attachment and simply enjoying the moment for what is was, a talent I now wish to master.

And in the end, this incredible strength allowed her to be fearless as she prepared for her final journey. True to form, she got to decide when to let go and that’s what she did. She was talking and then she wasn’t. There was no fanfare. There was no pomp and circumstance, she simply let go. She was free from a body that restricted her from shining and moved on to the next adventure, the next awesome journey.

While I am sad that she’s gone and allowing myself to grieve, I am also allowing myself to let go. I am releasing the attachment to her physical being and know that her spirit lives on in me. I see parts of her in my sister, my kids, my niece and the many lives of people she’s touched throughout her life.

In her honor, I embrace her strength in character and challenge you to do the same—to be bold and stand up for what you believe in; be true to who you are, doing what you love with a passion and zest for living; and most of all, master the art of letting go so you can enjoy the ride every day.

In memory of you mom, the ultimate teacher and inspiration.